Cameron accidentally sells 'Sam Cam' during budget cut fever

The Prime Minister was yesterday left red faced after he was forced to admit that he had accidentally sold his own wife in a frenzied bid to reduce the budget.




Samantha with new 'husband' Omar

Cameron who had previously faced scathing criticism for attempting to sell off the wrought iron gates to downing street, the ashes of Humphrey the cat and large parts of wiltshire to anyone who would buy them insisted that the mistake would not change his resolve on the scale of cuts needed.

"Look we all need to pull together in this. The National debt is not going to be significantly reduced if we all just continue to pay for our own wives willy nilly. I did what I had to do. Although I admit initially I had thought the man in question was offering me £7 for a toaster George had bought me for christmas I was more than happy to proceed with the transaction even after his intentions were fully explained."

He continued "I've put an advert in the autotrader to get rid of my old VW Golf and i've got 4 people bidding on an old tea pot on e-bay. I literally couldn't be doing any more to pay off the national debt."

Speculation now surrounds Camerons love life with some sources claiming this is all just a front in order to move Nick Clegg into his bed without causing a scandal. "If I had my guess i'd say Nick must be jumping for joy at the news. This love triangle was only ever going to end one way and I think Dave made it plainly obvious where his loyalties lay at the Co-alition christmas party. I literally couldn't believe my eyes when the two of them dissapeared up the stairs hand in hand while Samantha was forced to continue playing sharades and turn a blind eye"

Nick Clegg makes surprise U-turn on killing baby puppies

Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has today made a surprise U-turn on his pledge to fight puppy killers despite making numerous promises in the Liberal Democrat manifesto and even posing with pro-puppy supporters during his election campaign. This news comes as a shock to many as Clegg had previously gone so far as to pose holding a pro-puppy poster in front of the assembled media pledging "Today i promise to fight tooth and nail to eliminate puppy slaughter from these lands. I think we can all agree that anyone found guilty of killing an innocent puppy is nothing more than an impotent wanker!"

Nasty Nick holding said poster

Clegg's comments are in stark contrast to todays statements published in the Times in which Clegg claims "Look, I wish I could wave a magic wand and say hey we'll let every puppy live, but in my defence its really really moreish. I've gotta tell you i've never felt as alive as I do when you feel its neck snap between your hands. God I'm getting hard just thinking about it"

In related news the Royal Society has today published the findings of a of a 6 month long study into whether or not Nick Clegg is in fact the first ever invertebrate to be elected to the house of commons.

Professor David Madeupname stated "The findings are astonishing, Mr Clegg appears to have literally no backbone whatsoever. Instead his entire structure is held together by thick layers of cartilage and multiple internal vagina's. We think this may be the reason why Clegg is an absolutely massive pussy."

The full findings of the report are available now on the Royal Society website.

Andy Peters sparks racism row after allegations of blacking up

Beloved children's TV presenter Andy Peters has been embroiled in accusations of racism after it was revealed that he is none other than former BBC director of communications Peter Andrews

'Andy' before his 7 hour marathon make up session

 Although unavailable for comment today his agent did release this statement "The rumours that i used to perform the character of Andy Peters for children's television are true. In all honesty it was never meant to offend anyone, I was just looking at ways to break into the Gangster hip hop scene and thought that someone as pasty as me didn't stand a chance. If you ask me the real racists are Jay-Z, Kanye and Diddy who all rejected my mix tapes for being "too white". A brothers gotta do what a brothers gotta do dawg. Peace out."

Proffesor Johnathan Edwards, head of the school of Journalism at the University of Newcastle claims that Mr Andrews actions aren't at all out of touch with the modern media "Look, blacking up is just something which is accepted as part of the Job of being a modern television presenter. For gods sake Trevor McDonald is actually a ginger scotsman from Fife but you don't hear anybody complaining about that. His last name is McDonald, the clues are there people. Overall i'd say it's just Political correctness gone mad"

The Daily Mail yesterday launched an online poll which found that a whopping 98% of Daily Mail readers now claimed to like Andy Peters more, now that he's been revealed to be a white upper middle class arsehole. "I've always liked Andy Peters" Said DM's Chief Editor Quentin Whitepower "I mean although i may have publicly written a number of articles calling for him to be sacked and claimed that he was corrupting our childrens minds with his darker than average skin tones and his overly cheery demenour, in reality i've always felt that he represented exactly what is right with the BBC"

4 dead as Irish election nears conclusion

Four men have been found dead in Dublin following an all night bender which is part of the Irish election process. In the complicated Irish system the first round of voting involves the candidates bare knuckle boxing a homeless man while the rest watch. The last ten standing/still breathing then progress to the next round which is a russian roulette style game of drinking. Each blacked out shot glass contains either Guinness, Irish Whisky, paint thinner or diesel. The candidates then take it in turns to pick a random shot glass and down the liquid inside, with the 4 remaining candidates at the end going on to the third and final round.

The Former Junior minister for Foreign Affairs

A surprise upset was the death of Sir Sheamus O'Wifebeater the Former Junior minister for foreign affairs, who was labelled "a complete and utter pussy and probably a protestant!" by his party for succumbing to alcohol poisioning after a mere 28 shots. With only four days to go until the election result is announced the excitement has reached fever pitch as the people of Ireland are now wandering who will be crowned President.

The final challenge involves the remaining competitors competing in a Gladiators style competition with multiple tasks ranging from a dance off with Michael Flatley to an all out brawl with a bear dressed as a leprechaun. Steps have been taken to prevent the controversy which surrounded the last election when the bear decapitated the home office spokesman before referee John Anderson had even finished giving his instructions as too who would go on his first and second whistles.

Strong favourite this year is Paddy O'Murphy who has been practicing hard by drinking a bottle of bleach every night for a month.

With the election too close to call its almost impossible to predict who will win and also in what physical and mental state they will be in afterwards. See the results like on Sky Sports HD 9 this Thursday from 12.

George Osbourne has gone too far says Lord Voldemort

In a chilling interview with Jeremy Paxman yesterday Lord Voldemort described his disbelief at Osbourne's latest round of cuts saying "I just couldn't believe what i was hearing, i mean at least when i maim and destroy families i'm completely open about it. In fact i was speaking to George the other day and some of the things he was saying about the working classes all being mudbloods really overstepped the mark. If i'm completely honest the man chills me to the bone. He had asked about becoming a death eater but i feel that he'd show the rest of us up somewhat."

The cold dead eyes, the white pallid skin, the callous look of a cold hearted killer. Oh and also above a picture of Lord Voldemort. 

Voldemort is just the latest in a string of celebrities who have come out to condemn Osbourne's actions. A Mr F. Kruger spoke of his disgust with the mans lack of conscience "George makes me sick to my stomach. I attended a meeting at the Conservative club in Hatton a few months ago and in when someone made a comment about the cuts going too far he pulled two baby rabbits from out of his breifcase and snapped their necks just to make a point. He spent the rest of the meeting bathing himself in the blood of the poor animals he'd just dispatched before removing his shirt and demanding that we each wrestle him individually. The man is a maniac."

A conservative party spokesman confirmed that the meeting took place but insisted that the rabbits were not only working class but also claiming multiple benefits and so the killings were more than justified. More to follow.

Truth Uncovered: James may is in fact Susan Boyle

After months of rumours and counter rumors Susan Boyle has in fact been uncovered as none other than Top Gear's James May.

The News of the World launched an investigation as to the real identity of the Scottish star after deciding that not even a shaved monkey with a bad case of fuck-ugly-itis could possibly look quite as unappealing as Miss Boyle does on a regular basis. According to an unreliable source, people first became suspicious after Clarkson described Susan Boyle as a "Poor man's Chewbacca" on air, resulting in James trashing the studio and holding four members of the audience hostage for several hours.

BBC executives are said to be fuming after Susan Boyle had previously helped the X-Factor to smash Alan Titchmarsh's Celebrity Chest Waxing Live in the ratings despite James May being contracted exclusively to the corporation.

Daily Mail reader John Casualracism stated "This is absolutely outrageous! Tax payers money being used to fund this drag act when the cash could be better spent stopping gay immigrants from lowering house prices by causing cancer in the working classes, this country has gone to the dogs. * inaudible screaming* Sorry what were we talking about?"

Former Egyptian president Mubarak still locked in his bedroom say Egytian officials

In a surprising twist in the ongoing saga surrounding the deposition of former Egyptian President Honsi Muburak it appears that the man himself is yet to leave the palace. A inside source stated "He's been locked in his room for days now just watching romantic comedies and eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream. He's taken the break up really, really hard. Nobody really knows how to handle the situation so we figured he'll have to come out sooner or later for a toilet break and we can get him then".

The Author James Horton who recently wrote Mubarak's autobiography said "This is just like him to be honest, when he found out that i'd written some inflammatory remarks in the book he spent 4 hours in a cardboard box under the stairs weeping and refusing to come out. It wasn't until a personal bodyguard offered to buy him a strawberry cornetto that he eventually snapped out of it and declared that he was no longer a space man, so he could leave the 'ship' ". The Army Generals currently in charge of the country were unavailable for comment.