Daily Mail Causes Cancer Says Daily Mail

In a move that will send a shock wave through Fleet Street, the Daily Mail yesterday published an article admitting that reading the Daily Mail raises your chance of getting Cancer by over 30%. This shock announcement came after the editor of the Mail, Sir John Paranoidarse, apparently ran out of things to manically proclaim significantly raises your risk of getting the terrible disease.

Looking a seal directly in the eye apparently causes testicular cancer in 99% of men

In early 2001 The Mail started its endless campaign of separating the world into things which cause Cancer and things that significantly raise your risk of getting Cancer, without providing either a scratch of evidence or indeed an iota of proof. Recent shock cancer causers included Shirley Bassey, Pneumatic drills and 1980's puppet botherer Bob Caralgees .

The Daily Day Today managed to secure a face to face interview with Sir John on the basis that our political editor agreed to a series of bizarre concessions including staging the interview in a hypoallergenic bubble behind 7 inches of perspex and wearing full Nuclear-Biological and Chemical warfare suits at all times. Even our dictaphone had to be strapped to the end of a pool cue and held several feet from his face in case the AAA batteries inside exploded and increased his risk of face cancer by 14%.

"You can never be too careful" explained Sir John, "Only last week I was talking to a man in a Japanese resteraunt in Knightsbridge when he explained that his wife had recently been diagnosed with leukemia, of course thats the last time I'll be eating Japanese food. What better evidence can there be? I mean the woman was sitting right there. Japan causes cancer and you can print that... In fact I did print it, on the front page too. I'm just trying to keep the people in the know."

Other bizarre claims made by Sir John are that the earth is cylindrical, that fire is a liquid and that Michael Mcintyre is funny. Despite his clear hypochondria he remains optimistic, "We're all going to die of Cancer that's just a fact. All we can do is keep up to date with the latest research in order to ensure our risk is minimal... and if research isn't available then at least try to keep up to date with hearsay, gossip and presumptions. I mean I do most of my research based around what the boys in the pub 'reckon'. Its almost foolproof"