4 dead as Irish election nears conclusion

Four men have been found dead in Dublin following an all night bender which is part of the Irish election process. In the complicated Irish system the first round of voting involves the candidates bare knuckle boxing a homeless man while the rest watch. The last ten standing/still breathing then progress to the next round which is a russian roulette style game of drinking. Each blacked out shot glass contains either Guinness, Irish Whisky, paint thinner or diesel. The candidates then take it in turns to pick a random shot glass and down the liquid inside, with the 4 remaining candidates at the end going on to the third and final round.

The Former Junior minister for Foreign Affairs

A surprise upset was the death of Sir Sheamus O'Wifebeater the Former Junior minister for foreign affairs, who was labelled "a complete and utter pussy and probably a protestant!" by his party for succumbing to alcohol poisioning after a mere 28 shots. With only four days to go until the election result is announced the excitement has reached fever pitch as the people of Ireland are now wandering who will be crowned President.

The final challenge involves the remaining competitors competing in a Gladiators style competition with multiple tasks ranging from a dance off with Michael Flatley to an all out brawl with a bear dressed as a leprechaun. Steps have been taken to prevent the controversy which surrounded the last election when the bear decapitated the home office spokesman before referee John Anderson had even finished giving his instructions as too who would go on his first and second whistles.

Strong favourite this year is Paddy O'Murphy who has been practicing hard by drinking a bottle of bleach every night for a month.

With the election too close to call its almost impossible to predict who will win and also in what physical and mental state they will be in afterwards. See the results like on Sky Sports HD 9 this Thursday from 12.