The News of the World launched an investigation as to the real identity of the Scottish star after deciding that not even a shaved monkey with a bad case of fuck-ugly-itis could possibly look quite as unappealing as Miss Boyle does on a regular basis. According to an unreliable source, people first became suspicious after Clarkson described Susan Boyle as a "Poor man's Chewbacca" on air, resulting in James trashing the studio and holding four members of the audience hostage for several hours.
BBC executives are said to be fuming after Susan Boyle had previously helped the X-Factor to smash Alan Titchmarsh's Celebrity Chest Waxing Live in the ratings despite James May being contracted exclusively to the corporation.
Daily Mail reader John Casualracism stated "This is absolutely outrageous! Tax payers money being used to fund this drag act when the cash could be better spent stopping gay immigrants from lowering house prices by causing cancer in the working classes, this country has gone to the dogs. * inaudible screaming* Sorry what were we talking about?"
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