Mancini completes signing of Arsenal FC

Having spent the last two months complaining about Manchester City's inactivity in the transfer market without any hint of irony, manager Roberto Mancini has today splashed out just over £950 million pounds purchasing Arsenal Football Club in one of this seasons most shocking transfers.

Mancini is pissing himself

Having spent the equivalent of the GDP of a medium sized African Country on such illustrious names as Roque Santa Cruz and Robinho over the past few seasons, Manchester City's board have opted to move away from employing their tried and tested summer tactic of buying Arsenal's two best players every season purely to piss off Arsene Wenger. Instead the club has decided to buy Arsenal itself with all of its assets including the club's multi-million pound Emirates stadium.

It is believed that since taking over the Manchester City hot seat, Roberto Mancini has had a nervous breakdown rendering him completely unable to fathom the value of real money and can regularly be found with David Platt negotiating with till girls in his local branch of ASDA offering up to £30 million for a bag of potatoes and 3 litres of White Lightning.

This behavior was largely ignored by the City hierarchy last year as his bids were usually topped by former Liverpool Boss Kenny Dalglish. "Some people may disagree with the prices we have paid this year but the fact is that if you want to attract top quality British potatoes to Liverpool Football Club then you have to pay the going rates" wrote Mr Dalglish (in faeces on the floor of his own office).

It has not yet been confirmed whether Arsene Wenger is still employed by the club however many media observers have claimed that he may now turn his back on football and become either a scout leader or priest to carry on his love of playing with under 16's.

Nick Griffins autobiography

Nick Griffon has shocked the publishing world today by releasing his long awaited autobiography with the working title "I'm Kampf".

The Poster boy for Britain's Gene pool

 In the book, the controversial politician goes into graphic detail about how his entire philosophy on life is based around his massive inadequacies as both a politician and a man. He also talks openly about his ambitions to break into the world of Gangster rap as a child and how his rejections eventually went on to strengthen his belief that anyone with a tan who hasn't recently come back from two weeks in Ibiza is probably a bad person.

"Look there is nothing more British than dressing up like a large breasted woman and being laid down in front of the fire by a small  Philippino boy names Carlos!" said Griffin who asked to be called "Joanne" for the course of the Interview. When asked whether he believed that his lifestyle could affect his health he responded "No, I won't catch aids, that's for Brown people."

Passages from the book are due to be published every day next week in the Daily Mail who has recently slaughtered a 'nest' of illegal immigrants in celebration of its much anticipated release. "This is a fantastic day for the people of this country" said Sir John Paranoidarse, Chief Editor of the Daily Mail and recently anointed Grand Dragon of the UK's Klu Klux Klan branch."Nick Griffin represents everything that is right with modern Britain. He drinks heavily, regularly gets into fights and can sing all four verses of god save the Queen, what better role model could our children have?"

Speculation is now rife that some higher ranking members of the BNP my try to challenge Griffin for the leadership with Jim Davidson, Captain Caveman and a small rock in my back garden as possible candidates for the position. No official statement has yet been made.

Daily Mail Causes Cancer Says Daily Mail

In a move that will send a shock wave through Fleet Street, the Daily Mail yesterday published an article admitting that reading the Daily Mail raises your chance of getting Cancer by over 30%. This shock announcement came after the editor of the Mail, Sir John Paranoidarse, apparently ran out of things to manically proclaim significantly raises your risk of getting the terrible disease.

Looking a seal directly in the eye apparently causes testicular cancer in 99% of men

In early 2001 The Mail started its endless campaign of separating the world into things which cause Cancer and things that significantly raise your risk of getting Cancer, without providing either a scratch of evidence or indeed an iota of proof. Recent shock cancer causers included Shirley Bassey, Pneumatic drills and 1980's puppet botherer Bob Caralgees .

The Daily Day Today managed to secure a face to face interview with Sir John on the basis that our political editor agreed to a series of bizarre concessions including staging the interview in a hypoallergenic bubble behind 7 inches of perspex and wearing full Nuclear-Biological and Chemical warfare suits at all times. Even our dictaphone had to be strapped to the end of a pool cue and held several feet from his face in case the AAA batteries inside exploded and increased his risk of face cancer by 14%.

"You can never be too careful" explained Sir John, "Only last week I was talking to a man in a Japanese resteraunt in Knightsbridge when he explained that his wife had recently been diagnosed with leukemia, of course thats the last time I'll be eating Japanese food. What better evidence can there be? I mean the woman was sitting right there. Japan causes cancer and you can print that... In fact I did print it, on the front page too. I'm just trying to keep the people in the know."

Other bizarre claims made by Sir John are that the earth is cylindrical, that fire is a liquid and that Michael Mcintyre is funny. Despite his clear hypochondria he remains optimistic, "We're all going to die of Cancer that's just a fact. All we can do is keep up to date with the latest research in order to ensure our risk is minimal... and if research isn't available then at least try to keep up to date with hearsay, gossip and presumptions. I mean I do most of my research based around what the boys in the pub 'reckon'. Its almost foolproof"

English Defence League cause controversy as they launch charity single in aid of 'White nose Day'

The English Defence league has today launched its charity single in aid of their new charity fund raiser 'White Nose Day'.

The controversial group which routinely use Islamic fundamentalists based in the UK as an excuse for a piss up and a riot claim the single will change peoples impressions of them as a whole. "Eee arr right, people just fink that were all fucking piss heads who talk shit and are up for a fight right, but the lad singing in the video shows that we know wot were talking about, right." said Jim Davidson the EDL's head of communications.

The leader of the EDL Tommy Robinson says "White nose day is a time to celebrate everything which is right with Britain. Like getting hammered 7 days a week, sniffing coke off piss stained toilet seats and happy slapping anyone who looks like their tan wasn't made on a sunbed.

A donation of just £12 could buy young Timmy here enough coke for a whole weekend

"We're asking people to donate whatever they can towards the cause. £5 is enough to buy 2 pints of Carling for someone at the next rally in Blackburn while a donation of £15 could pay for 5 hammers with which to smash up paving slabs to throw through city centre windows. Every penny counts"

EDL supporters up and down the country have been busy holding local fundraisers with one group managing to raise over £2000 simply by punching brown people in the head and stealing their wallets. Mike Travis, Head of the EDL Bolton division claims "we're hoping to raise £500,000 pounds before the 1st of April, which would be a terrific effort. Can you imagine the piss up were gonna have in Blackburn? I'm gonna be 'Charlie Sheened by midday. That'll show them Muslims ey?

The single is available to download now on iTunes for just £1.89. All proceeds go towards teaching EDL members basic English.

Fears over Cameron's mental health after he plans radical Lord of the Rings style 'army of the dead'

Political allies are said to be worried about the state of David Cameron's mental health after it emerged that he intends to deploy numerous "ghost armies" after watching the third installment of the Peter Jackson fantasy trilogy The Lord of the Rings.

Nutter?

Despite his attempts to annihilate Britain's armed forces during the strategic defence review, the Prime Minister has apparently convinced himself that the effectiveness of our armed forces has actually been strengthened by bringing back historic regiments to cover the shortfall. The so called 'Return of the King' policy, which follows the same rules as the plot to bring the army of the dead to the battle of Pelanor fields in the third lord of the rings film has shocked many who fear than the coalition is not only inept, shoddy and useless but also dangerously insane. 

Recently deployed by Cameron were the entire British Expeditionary Force of 1914 to Afghanistan and the Napoleonic Scots Grey's cavalry regiment to Libya. He further plans to send HMS Dreadnought and the Mary Rose to the Falkland islands to ward of any potential Argentinian aggression while deploying Boudicca's   200,000 Iceni tribesmen to Cyprus as peace keepers.  

One cabinet colleague who wished to remain anonymous told our political editor "He's an absolute fuck nugget! We were called into a meeting last week to discuss plans for the Libyan no-fly zone and he did his entire presentation naked and covered in his own feces. The mans a maniac. When we pointed out to him that we don't actually have an Air Force of note left after the scrapping of the harrier he went on a 10 minute rant about how the hundreds of spitfires and hurricanes at our disposal would crush Gadaffi before crawling around on the floor on all fours supposedly looking for his pen. The only person who seemed to like the speech was Nick Clegg who for some reason kept taking pictures."

British farmers under fire from EU after radical "Croc Rotation" policy causes outrage

The EU has tonight reacted angrily to reports that British farmers are using radical new methods to increase their crop harvest in the run up the the British farmers busiest time of the year. The controversial 'croc rotation' technique involves having roaming bands of saltwater crocodiles placed strategically in wheat fields and orchards to deter apple thieves and the like.

Farmers argue the tactic is working

"The number of apples stolen from my farm alone has dropped by 84%" Said Eric Johnson from Lincolnshire. "What right does the EU have to tell us proud British farmers whether or not we can place incredibly dangerous carnivores on our own land. Its political correctness gone mad! Running a farm is hard enough and the crocs are really good value for money. I've not had to feed them once yet as they mainly stuff themselves on foxes, badgers and the slowest kids out of any groups of little shits who come onto my land and try and steal my apples."

Furious French farmers went on strike last night supported by thousands of students who stormed Paris and destroyed much of Notre Dam in a random event of violence reminiscent of the French reaction to any problem that has ever occurred ever.

Head of the British Union of Farmers John Bushface responded angrily by saying "Fuck the French! Everyone knows their all a bunch of pussies and dick grabbers anyway"

Johnson & Johnson under fire after baby lotion found to contain real babies

An investigation launched by the BBC's Panorama programme has found that the pharmaceutical company Johnson & Johnson's patented baby lotion actually contains real babies. The harrowing hour long documentary revealed a number of so called 'baby farms' dotted around northern Scotland where up to 10,000 babies at a time are kept in squalid air conditioned warehouses. Workers were filmed herding the infants around the site using rattles and soft toys while some were clearly distressed and covered in their own faeces.

AHHHRGHH AHHHRGH AHHHHRGH!!!!!

The embattled president of J&J stated in an exclusive interview with The Daily Day Today "Look if you bought a bottle of tomato sauce and it didn't have tomato in it you'd be annoyed, we're just giving the people what they want! All this stuff about people having no idea is ludicrous. We called it baby lotion for God's sake, how much more obvious do we have to be?" He later added "In our defence, we only use ginger babies wherever possible and they scare the shit out of people anyway so I don't think the public will care too much."

Panorama's John Sweeney stated "It was one of the most disgusting sights I've ever seen in my 20 years in broadcasting and I've interviewed Kerry Katona, so I think that gives some indications of what we're dealing with here. Some babies were covered in filth while others were left to cry without milk or mushed bananas. The worst part of it was the smell of Gingers was overwhelming. I hardly think its fair to keep the non-ginger babies with the ginger ones, this surely violates European human rights laws."